I never read the terms and conditions of things I sign up to, but it seems you do so I will indulge you a little.

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Basically, you're about to submit your name and email address so I can keep in touch with you about anything interesting that is going on with this site and my work.

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I don't know the details of international data protection law, other than it is very important and I promise to respect your data fully. I hereby promise that:

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• I won't send you any information that isn't extraordinarily interesting.

• If you don't like what I send you, you can immediately unsubscribe and I promise I won't be upset and badmouth you on social media.

• I will try and work out how this website works so that you don't get an email every time I correct a spelling mistake but you do get to know if I start to sell paintings or post an interesting blog.

• I won't send you spam, any other processed meats or any other terrible jokes other than that one about spam and processed meats.

• I won't sell your details to anyone selling properties in deserted regions of southern Europe, anyone claiming to represent deceased foreign uncle you've never heard of seeking to deposit large parts of their considerable inheritance in exchange for a small fee, or even worse, Facebook.

• I won't leave your email address in a parked van overnight.

• I will always eat my green vegetables.

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There are no terms and conditions for you to sign up to. I trust you.